This is how I feel January 09, 2006
Current mood: determined
For me to say goodbye to someone is never without a slight regret. The reason being is that once I love someone, it's difficult to turn that off. So this is my goodbye and this is not easy. I know for a fact this person will never read this so that is why I can finally get this off my mind and share my words.

Through everything the good and the bad, I choose to remember the good, but let the bad guide me, and push me towards greater things. I hope you do the same.

That Sunday afternoon, driving from your house, tears pouring from my eyes, I was in shock. Shocked that we have come so far, and you threw it all away with an act of violence. I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to kill you, the other part just wanted to move on. I choose to move on. I can't let someone else's actions dictate my future, and anyone who knows me, knows my ass will not survive in jail. I got home and I was angry and I cried, and I just kept saying over and over "why did he have to hit me?" And I was broken.

I cried and cried. My head hurt, from all the crying and from your hands and your fists striking my face. I cried like I cry when I miss my mom. After awhile I got up, and I tried to find everything that reminded me of you, and I put it in plastic bags and left in on your doorstep. I wasn't crying anymore. I wasn't broken.

The thing I realized that day is, no matter who I was, or how good I tried to be to you, something was missing. I did change many things for the sake of our relationship, and I would have changed more. The things I changed made me a better woman. The fact still remains that no matter how much I will change/grow, that ultimately had nothing to do with your happiness. I can't make you happy if you hang on to things which make you miserable. I can't make you happy, until you find that happiness within yourself.

Through it all, I learned a lot about life, about myself, about things that I want. So I thank you for that. I thank you for the things that were rare in you. I thank you for all the times we laughed together and stood by each other. I will always thank you for many things. I pray that you will have a revelation of your heart, and one day can truly be happy.

I love you. Goodbye

January 11, 2006
something really

I don't have anything in particular to say, I just feel like writing...

I thought I would be sad, and hate the thought of being single. But it feels really good, to be on my own again. I love having my freedom and I love relying solely on myself to get through. Don't get me wrong, it's great when you have someone to share with, and someone to rely on. I just need some me time.

But the guys I have been meeting...

WOW!!!!

Here are some tips...

1. Don't ask me on a date if you have no job, I am not paying for your dinner and what ever else we do that night. I can just go by myself to dinner or with one of my girlfriends.

2. Don't talk to me if you have a girlfriend, all the shit you just told me, go tell her, because I cant do anything for you.

3. Don't talk to me with no foul smelling breathe or body odor. Especially when you are in the club...Put on deodorant before you leave the house (shit leave it in your car if you want to freshen up) and hit up the L I Q and get yourself a pack of gum, shit its only 30 cents.

4. Don't touch my ass, my hand, my arm to get my attention. Sorry, I don't like strangers touching me....and please please don't call me by say "aye" or "hey Ma" or any of that ridiculous shit.

I probably sound bitchy right now, that's not the case. I just liked to be approached certain ways. And there are just certain things I feel are tacky.

Saying all that...I think I will do some work now...

Feb 11, 2006
Only for the non judgmental
Me and him have never been apart this long, and as much as it feels good to have my freedom again, it still hurts. Not the kind of hurt, like I want this person to be my man again. But the kind of hurt that comes from endings.

Don't get me wrong, violence ends a relationship, but it doesn't negate the things you once felt, the things you shared, the promises, the nights in bed, the mornings waking up in his arms, the stupid shit you used to laugh about, the times he rubbed your feet when you had a bad day, the look in his eyes the last time you saw him. I thought that to get over someone you just have to focus on the bad, but that makes you bitter. I refuse live with bitterness in my heart.

But in order to get over/heal, I have to remember the good and the bad. Because with both of those things, I will expect more out of my next relationship and myself. But I can't share these feelings with many people because they weren't there for the good times, they only see their friend/cousin/niece/sister, hurting because of the day that ended it all. I can't expect anyone to understand, because they were not there, only me and him.

For the first time in my life, I shared everything with someone other than Stephanie. I was myself, and this person accepted me for who I was, even things that were completely opposite of him. When we were together, I honestly thought of how my actions affected him. Things that I could change I did, and like I have said before, it made me a better woman. I don't regret any of it. The things we shared were a first for me. I've never given anyone a chance besides Stephanie, who is my sister, to know who I really am. The start of our relationship was at a tough point in my life because I had just lost my mom, and a tough point in his life, because things weren't coming together for him. But we found love, and it was good, and that is what I miss.

It's strange now, to think about sharing myself in that way with anyone else. As much as I want what was good about our relationship, I know it won't be with me and him. And I don't know if I have it in me to get to know someone like that, at least not for awhile. It hurts to think of him with someone else, and that is just me being honest. Even though, I want his life to be abundant with success and happiness, I wonder if I will have a hint of sadness because I am not there to share it with him. I wonder how I will feel if I find out he's dating someone, or getting married, or if he has a kid. How can one person's happiness make another person sad?

I know that God has a man for me. I also know that there are certain things that I need to do in my life in order to be ready when that man comes along. When it's right it's right, and for me and my ex it just wasn't right.

Feb 17, 2006
missing you

When you left, I laid in the bed where you slept. I still felt your warmth there and an incredible sense of love filled my body. Then you knocked on the door, you came back to lay with me for a few more minutes. I love you, and I miss our mornings. I miss our nights. I miss laughing with you. I miss you.

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